unveiled

New Blog Address - Update Your Info Please!

2010-06-21T08:15:00.007-04:00

Hey, I have a *new* blog name and address!

Even One Sparrow

http://evenonesparrow.blogspot.com/

Having a blog name and blog address coincide lessens the confusion.

I was just waiting for God to give me a name, and he did.

I'll explain the story in the *new* blog.

Update your follower links! Thank you!

In the Face of Fear

2010-06-18T12:14:00.000-04:00

Whenever I start to fear,

I remember it is the Lord that brought me here.

"Be strong, all you people of the land, declares the Lord.

Work, for I am with you, declares the Lord of hosts...

My Spirit remains in your midst. Fear not."

Haggai 2:4-5

Our God in the Details

2010-06-15T13:56:00.000-04:00

Sometimes God shows up in my life so personally and so viscerally that I just have to stop and take Him in.

I am astounded by His ways -- that with all that happens in the world, with all the people He is comforting and ministering to and providing miracles for -- that this same God still finds a way to work intimately into my life.

"What is man that you are mindful of him?

The son of man, that you care for him?"

Psalm 8:4

Today, the Lord met me in a seemingly mundane and ordinary way.

It started when I lost my cell phone.

I'm sure you're familiar with the story. You're sure you only put it one of maybe three places, and you already scoured the areas a mere seventy times. This was my morning. I wasn't unsettled about it--with God's teaching on prayer, I was steady and controlled, praying my way through it. And I knew it would eventually turn up. I lose many things, I pray, and they always pop up. It's been going on since I was a little kid. Some people might say that these prayers are silly prayers, but it's sort of this delightful, childlike connection I have with the Lord. I love it, because I always know He'll have the "item lost" show up.

It's also worthwhile to point out that this morning, I didn't set aside time to spend with God. I kept pushing it aside, waiting, saying I would "do it later," and kept plodding along with my day.

Funny that a cell phone brought me into communion with the Father.

I'm totally amused.

So anyways, I'd been praying all morning-- and had a few people call me multiple times (hurray gchat!), but typical-me had the phone on silent. Finally, I stilled myself completely, threw myself down on the bed, and just rested with God. I asked for an image.

And sure enough, clear as day, an image came into my mind. I knew exactly where my phone was. I didn't even get up to check; I just knew. And so I smiled, and stayed with the Holy Spirit for a few more minutes, reflecting on His glory, on His goodness, and on how He keeps himself involved in every little-tiny-miniscule aspect of our lives.

He loves us, friends.

He loves us so, so much.

And that is a beautiful lesson to learn today. Thank you, Jesus.

Come with Messiness and All

2010-06-13T05:26:00.001-04:00

For those that don't know, I've begun reading A Praying Life by Paul E. Miller (thanks to my dear friend, Jess, for posting her thoughts on it and encouraging me to read it). There are an abundance of lessons I am learning through this simple-yet provocative-book.

This book is helping me understand what it means to truly approach God in prayer:

"The criteria for coming to Jesus is weariness. Come overwhelmed with life. Come with your wandering mind. Come messy."

page 32

For much of my life, I have been so eager to understand prayer to the point where I "get" it--where I can "do" prayer "correctly."

I never learned how to do that.

Instead, I've learned to become quickly discouraged as my mind floated away from the topic at hand... as I reminded myself I was not praising God "enough" in my prayers... that I asked for too much and acknowledged him too little... that I didn't have the proper "prayer formula" down... that, perhaps, I would never be able to pray. Maybe I just couldn't do it.

"Come messy." The Christian Artist Retreat that Elliott and I co-planned (with about six other amazingly creative people) had the subtitle: "Meeting God in the Mess of Art." We wanted to remind ourselves and others that we are messy. We make a mess out of things, and sometimes that comes out in our art. Sometimes it comes out in our lives. It's okay. We can encounter the Creator in our mess. We are absolutely dependent on him if we ever want to find our way out from it. Sometimes the messiness is the most beautiful place to be because it means we're being totally honest about who and where we are. I understood this "messy theory" from an artist's perspective, but never from a praying perspective.

Artist Philip Barry

As Paul E. Miller points out, somewhere along the lines, we as Christians started to separate prayer from the rest of our beings. We stopped being honest and started trying to be Holy--instead of letting Jesus do the work for us. "Jesus wants us to be without pretense when we come to him in prayer [...] God ... cheers when we come to him with our wobbly, unsteady prayers" (30-31).

I feel as though I'm being released from the pretense I imagined prayer to be-- and now I am free to offer wobbly prayers to God, to come messy to his presence, to be myself. Now I can put aside my intimidation of not being "Holy enough" to pray, and just be...and let him work on me.

Be Not a Slave to Fear

2010-06-09T09:25:00.000-04:00

"The mind of sinful man is death,

but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace.

...

For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear,
but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, 'Abba, Father.'"

Romans 8:6, 15

Fear of the possibility that around the corner lies impending destruction absolutely grips my life. As I was experiencing a new sense of slowness while on vacation, I realized that my everyday consciousness is gripped by fear. My most consistent and constant prayer to the Lord is, "Please please please please help me help me help me help me," and that somehow gets me through the day.

I try to still myself--to remember that God literally holds this day within the palm of his hand. I remind myself of the lyrics from a Caedmon's Call song:

This day's been crazy but everything's happened on schedule.

From the rain and the cold to the drink that I spilled on my shirt.

'Cause you knew that you'd save me before I fell dead in the garden.

And you knew this day long before you made me out of dirt.

I long to be transformed through the Spirit to live a life of peace. I long to be wrapped in his breath, to lean not on myself but only on the Lord, to walk in full trust of him.

How do I get to this place?

Daily Bread

2010-05-27T16:53:00.000-04:00

What a whirlwind these last two weeks have been -- what a journey of learning and back-tracking, re-learning, and - oh, the constant, constant praying.

Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name.

I started out thinking that my heart was in a good place for this support-raising-business. Sending out the well-written, honest newsletter? Check. Calling up to set up face-to-face appeals? Check. Praying for our supporters? Check. Putting my trust in the Lord? Check - or, wait. I have take that back. Because my trust has been challenged, my distrust has been unveiled, and my humbling prayers for help have been re-made again and again.

Give us this day our daily bread.

Our daily bread. Amen and amen.
This has been my new prayer. The amount we need to raise each month seems impossible for me. And it is -- praise the Lord!

What I've learned is that sometimes my guise is trusting the Lord, but I'm really trusting a person. I have started some days in crushing disappointment because someone we thought would be a main supporter decided not to meet with us - not to support us - not even to sit and converse with us. Then the Lord reminds me, I see I was resting my security in the person, not the Godhead - in the mammon, not the Holy.

The money has not come in the way I expected. But this is good, friends, because the Lord is teaching me much, much more about my relationship to Him.

And I am learning to take each day one breath at a time.
Each meal at a time.
Each penny at a time.
Daily bread.

I have no idea in what creative way the Lord will decide to provide for us in this period of our lives, but I'll tell you -

it's going to be amazingly and poignantly awesome.

Differing Degrees of Complacency

2010-05-19T08:05:00.000-04:00

It’s a common story.

Girl seeks God, God meets Girl, Girl decides to follow God.

Girl remains where she is.

The inner thoughts process is something like, Wow, this is so cool that I finally have an understanding of my Creator. I’m forgiven, and I’ve decided to live my life for Christ and in pursuit of the Father. I am so thankful for everything he’s done for me. I’m going to start going to church so I can worship God with people. But you know, I’m not really an outgoing person, so I’m not going to say hi to anyone. Maybe they’ll say hi to me. But I’m not going to stay after the service because I hate small talk. And I’m awkward. I also don’t think I’ll join a Bible study, because there really isn’t anyone my age. But I’ll go to church. At least once a month.

What I’ve noticed is that learning to know the Father takes effort.

Coming unto Him daily takes more than will power—it really needs to be a holistic experience. You have to bring your brain into it. Your love. Your pen and paper.

When you actually meet the Creator and are willing to be malleable before him, it’s exhausting.

It’s really just easier to remain where you are.

There are periods of change, but the times of challenge are few and far between. The gaps are filled with long stretches of plodding along.

Friends, those plodding times are so dangerous because we don’t even notice the destruction. But each day, little bits of holy are chipped away until our mindset does not mirror our Father’s. If we are not on guard for the comforting suffocation of complacency, we will fall prey to its subtle demise.

Let’s not, shall we?

Today, join with me in prayer that God will reveal where we are allowing ourselves to settle into a comfort that is destructive. Ask God for the willingness to be challenged, changed, and renewed.

In other news, another blog...

2010-05-18T16:24:00.000-04:00

This week's focus has been support-raising, thus I've been distracted from down-time and blogging.

Please check out our ministry blog here to follow what we've been up to recently!

Tomorrow is my birthday, so I'm hoping for more rest time. Until then...

Jumping into Foolishness

2010-05-13T09:17:00.000-04:00

Sunday night begins our new life together.

We will leave behind the comfort of steady incomes and human rationality, and jump into the arms of our Father.

We know where our sustenance will come from, but we do not know how or when He will act.

Suddenly, I am not afraid. The Lord has cast fear from my heart and filled it with the peace that surpasses understanding (see 1 John 4:18 and Philippians 4:7). He has empowered us with the message of the cross—which, as you know, is foolishness to the world. But he takes that which is foolish to shame the proud.

It has indeed been foolish for me to leave a graduate program that was paying me to go there, to abandon my corporate job that more than paid the bills, and now to leave an easy position that provided amazing benefits. But. His ways are not human ways.

So here we go.

“For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God. For it is written:

"I will destroy the wisdom of the wise;

the intelligence of the intelligent I will frustrate."

Where is the wise man? Where is the scholar? Where is the philosopher of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? For since in the wisdom of God the world through its wisdom did not know him, God was pleased through the foolishness of what was preached to save those who believe. Jews demand miraculous signs and Greeks look for wisdom, but we preach Christ crucified: a stumbling block to Jews and foolishness to Gentiles, but to those whom God has called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God. For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength."

1 Corinthians 1:18-25

Running with the Lord

2010-05-11T11:51:00.000-04:00

What is it that I find so difficult about spending time with God?

Why do I tend towards doing everything else first, or spend more time doing everything and anything else, rather than ask to enter into the presence of the Almighty?

I thought about this on my run today. Getting myself out the door today was difficult enough, and then I let myself relax into an easy run. I didn't push myself at all, and I still felt content with that. The reality is that if I continue to run this way, I will never advance. I won't gain stamina, nor will I run those 8:30 minute miles that I do so want to attain.

As I sauntered back to my block, I realized that this same lackadaisical attitude is the one I often have towards my walk with the Lord.

I am not happy to admit this.

I don't want to admit it. But I think it must be true.

When I am running, I think about everything I have personally accomplished-- I have a "look-where-I-am-now" attitude. I just ran a 10 mile race with 30,000 other people in 10 minute miles. Two years ago, I had to stop three times during my first 5K, and now I can run six miles without stopping once. Five years ago, I nearly passed out on the treadmill after running 1.75 miles at a jogging pace. With all I have accomplished,

why the need to push myself when it's so darned difficult in the moment?

When I think about spending time with God... Do I really think in a "look-what-I've-accomplished" way?? How awful-- to think that where I am today is at all attributed to my own efforts. The grace that has been shown to me--that has led me to where I am today, with the husband and friends and church and job surrounding me--is just that: GRACE. It is not my own efforts. It is the grace of the Lord.

But I do think about where I have come from-- "at least I'm not doing X, Y and Z"-- and I don't push myself. And I think I know what a true encounter with the Spirit entails-- true change. As a creature imbedded in my old behaviors and habits, I say I want to change, I tell the Lord I want to change, but I don't. At least, not if it's painful. And dying to self, friends, is always painful.

Yet there is hope, because dying to self means life in Christ.

And life in Christ is more fuller than we can imagine.

The life he gives is more true to who he made us to be.

It's worth it to push ourselves through the difficult moments, to run that last mile as if it is the last mile we will ever run.

Taking a Cue from the OT: Spending Actual Time With God

2010-05-07T07:36:00.000-04:00

Did you ever consider how long it took to prepare sacrifices in the OT?

While reading my way through the Bible, I stumbled upon one of my favorite accounts about Gideon. Instead of a usual reading this time, his careful attention to sacrifices stood out to me. Even though I've been reading over and over again about people offering sacrifices to the Lord, suddenly I thought, "Wow. Those things took a LOT of time."

"Gideon went in, prepared a young goat, and from an ephah of flour he made bread without yeast. Putting the meant in a basket and its broth in a pot, he brought them out and offered them to him under the oak."

Judges 6:19

It's so tempting for me to read right over these type of passages. The writer could have just written, "And then Gideon went in and prepared an offering to sacrifice before the Lord." But the writer doesn't say that. Instead, there is a nice little detailed description about the exact offering given.

But besides what he put into the offering, just think about how long it took him to do so. It wasn't a ten-minute devotion, or a lofty half hour prayer. It probably wasn't even an hour of worship. I bet it took this guy the better part of his afternoon.

*gulp*

I tend to pat myself on the back for just getting up and spending maybe twenty minutes with God every day... and here these people are, back then in the OT, sacrificing not only their food and livelihoods, but also their time and energy. And I mean, lots of time and energy.

Later on in the chapter (and I recommend re-reading this account in Judges 6 if you have time), God asks him to tear down an Asherah pole. Gideon takes (read this) ten men and spends basically all night tearing it down, and then rebuilding an altar to the Lord.

I feel like I have lots to learn from this Gideon fellow.

When it's no longer effortless...

2010-05-04T13:23:00.000-04:00

Do you ever have those times when it’s just extremely difficult to focus on time with God?

I sit there, ready. Waiting. I try to silence my mind, my own thoughts, to allow God’s voice to enter in. I open the Word, I read, I attempt to pray. My mind wanders. I long for the periods of effortless devotion, immediate connection, and spiritual “awakeness.” Instead, today—yesterday—this past week—I come into this time and feel... lost. Like I don’t know where to start. Like I forgot everything. Like my mind wants to focus on everything else. Like I’ve forgotten how to pray—how to approach the throne.

What do you do in moments like these? I want desperately to commune with the Father, and yet I feel disconnected and scattered. How do I genuinely find the Lord—how do I get to know him more fully—when my insides feel restless and squirmy?

fumbling little hands attempting to

2010-04-27T14:08:00.000-04:00

fumble

over this little patch of dirt

called earth

a token of responsibility given me

falling to

p i e

c es

in my hands

dry -- peppered in - between - the cracks

attempt

recreate (to) using my palms and a little pool

of water

making and remaking with imperfect clay

outcomes

unknown

unknowns

unbecoming

I come to and remember

realize

I fumble.

Gripped by my own Weakness

2010-04-27T12:37:00.000-04:00

I'm sort of at a weird standstill.

Sometimes, I'm gripped by fear. Then I'm reminded that,

"There's no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear." 1 John 4:18

Sometimes, I think I have to do it on my own. Then, the Lord swiftly reminds me,

"Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labor in vain...

In vain you rise early and stay up late." Psalm 127

Friends, this support-raising business is ready to weary the heart that has been conditioned by the world. I attempt to cling to the wisdom of Henri Nouwen who urges me to begin my support-raising journey in prayer (from The Spirituality of Fund-Raising).

"Prayer is the radical starting point of fund-raising because in prayer we slowly experience a reorientation of all our thoughts and feelings about ourselves and others."

yes.

"People have such a need for friendship and for community that fund-raising had to be community-building."

amen! yes!

"Community...grows from the spiritual knowledge that we are alive not for ourselves but for one another."

i am completely on board.

...so why do I feel like falling to pieces?

I have to compile a list of 150 names and addresses to send out an initial letter. I spent the entire day yesterday and the better part of this morning coming up with 50.
Those letters must be followed up with phone calls.
We are also attempting to meet with people from May 17-May 29, and so those e-mails/phone calls/appointments must be made.
In the meantime, there is the impending reality that by May 16, my time at Starbucks will be over, which means no more income will be generated from me until July 1st, if God grants us any supporters. Plus, half of Elliott's current paycheck will go towards our new health coverage.

I am weak. I am very weak, and I am scared. I need the Lord to sustain me, to sustain us, to show us his power, especially in our weakness. I feel like I'm about to break.

"He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

2 Corinthians 12:9

Thank goodness for that promise,

because I'm certainly giving him a lot of room for perfection-making.

Putting to sleep the ugliness

2010-04-22T07:57:00.000-04:00

Last night, my true ugliness came out.

It was the type of ugliness that only the closest person in the world to you sees, if anyone sees it at all. In this case, my husband.

It was a self-indulgent, sinful ugliness that came spewing out of me and my despair. I allowed myself to buy into my wretchedness as a person without taking into consideration the grace of God.

Thank God for my husband's love, and patience.

Thank God for his Grace.

This morning was like being reborn to the world. I went to sleep in the tarry-black of the night--thick with devastation and tears and anxiety. I awoke into streams of light beckoning my eyelids open, whispering promises of forgiveness. A new day.

The old has gone, the new has come.

2 Corinthians 5:17

Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone?

2010-04-21T07:48:00.000-04:00

It swells like the rising sea bottled within my chest, salty and torrid and mistily-grey. I swallow the sea down, praying my throat will serve as a lasso to choke it back to an "appropriate" size.

I have to let it go--

let it go spinning freely and wildly into Light.

I can do nothing on my own.

The Light will shine and weaken its power.

I have been trying to fight fear with optimism. Of course, I know that my "will to be optimistic" has no power over the reality of things, but I have still bought into some twisted idea that the Lord will provide for our needs through my will alone.

The reality that faces us is our diving headfirst into college ministry. The reality is support-raising. We have a goal, but there's no way to know when or how the Lord will provide for our financial goals, set forth by the ministry we work for. It is one of those epic times that each of us face throughout the course of our lives: marching into the dark, the unknown, with nothing but absolute trust and abandon at our side.

I, however, need a change of attitude, of heart.

I acknowledge, Father, that you alone are Sovereign.

I acknowledge that sometimes you do not give us what we want, and that sometimes you take away.

The amazing and wonderful reality is that when you choose not to give in the way we think we need, this action does not make you any less good or loving.

I trust that you will not give us stones. I know you have promised us bread.

Please give me the eyes to see that bread that you provide,

and not to interpret the bread for stones.

Thou Shalt Not Covet

2010-04-19T13:34:00.000-04:00

"You shall not covet your neighbor's house. You shall not covet your neighbor's wife, or his manservant or maidservant, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor."
Exodus 20:17

When I was a little girl reading those words, I found them to be very odd.
Why would I covet my friend's donkey?
No one I knew had a donkey anyways. I mean, maybe I'd covet someone's pony, but no one had a pony either.
So, what's the deal, God?

Obviously, as I grew older, I began to understand this command's relevance to my life. Honestly, though, for a long time, it really wasn't up on my list of things I struggled with. Maybe, in a way, I was too focused on myself to notice what other people had around me. I didn't covet too much because I was just concerned with me me me.

Over time, the struggle has certainly become apparent.

It started small. It was imperceptible at first. I let the sin take root because I wasn't on guard for it. It was normal to strive towards something else, right? Then suddenly, I was caught in a cacophony of wants, a web of voices clogging my brain and sapping my energy....

I want her skinny legs I wish I had those boots Why can't we have a baby yet I wish we had enough money to buy a house I wish I looked like that -Then I would be happy- If only I enjoyed my job I wish we had more money If only I could eat wheat like a normal person -Then I would be happy- Why wasn't I born in California I want to move to New Hampshire Why do they get to have babies now Why can't we be in a more stable financial situation I wish I could've "made it" as an actress It would be easier if I had naturally red hair I just want to fit into my size 2's again -Then I would be happy-

It's not edifying in any way.
It doesn't help me spiritually, it doesn't help my husband, and it doesn't lift up the person I covet. I am sinning against God, and against that person, when I indulge in these thoughts.

I've found that the absolute only way to combat these coveting thoughts is to pray. It's sounds so cliche--how could it possibly work, right? But it's true. Confessing might help a bit too, but sometimes confessing to that person might only make things worse. Some things they don't have to know. Maybe confess it to another friend, a family member, a significant other, etc. Sometimes signing off of Facebook helps me (no joke). But overall, I've found the only way for my insides to shift and have a different attitude is to pray for the Spirit's power to change me. Just try it. And trust. See what happens.

Friends, we have to let these things go, and the first step in doing so is naming and denouncing them. Holding on to these things will only embitter us. God has his own purpose for each one of us, and we need to "be content whatever the circumstances" (Philippians 4:11).

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:4-7

Guard my heart, Lord!
And let YOUR desires be MY desires.
Amen and Amen!

Why I write

2010-04-18T08:47:00.000-04:00

In partial response to Elizabeth Esther's brilliantly worded post.

1) To Meet with the Eternal.

My main reason for blogging is to come into closer relationship with the Lord. If I stay in my head about spiritual musings, I have found that I just don't really grow. I forget easily. I stay complacent. No one else knows what is going on, and so I just remain stagnant. I write to challenge myself and my views.

2) Because I have to.

Seriously, God created me as an artist. I have stopped acting, so my impulse is to do something else creative, and God has led me to write. I write in response to what he teaches me. I write to draw near to him, to worship him. I write because I have to; it's who God created me to be. If I did not write, I would deny an enormous aspect of my being; a part of my self would probably just dry up.

3) There is power in the written word.

God recognized it. His Word has been written down. It is unchangeable, and yet it lives and breathes and speaks truth into our lives.

My words are small, and meak, and maybe sometimes wrong. But they are my words. They are in print. There is power in it. There is beauty in it. There is some truth. It deserves to be read. Maybe. :)

4) To connect. To form relationships.

Another main goal of blogging is for me to have the spiritual connection with other women, in particular. My mentor once said, "You were never meant to do this alone," during a time of great struggle. I can't do this alone. I crave your responses, I crave your thoughts, I crave your input. I was not meant to journey alone, nor can I. I can't do it. I need you.

5) Change.

And besides my own words, I have begun connecting with other bloggers in the world who have begun to really shift me internally. I am becoming irrevocably changed and encouraged by the written words of others, and I wouldn't have encountered this world without started my own, modest blog.

off to church!

When inspiration is lacking...

2010-04-16T08:07:00.000-04:00

Some days, I sit here, and I try to meditate. I try to find some inspiration--just something small, a brief glimpse into the Lord's wisdom--something to hold on to throughout the day.

Some days (maybe most days), it doesn't really happen this way.

Some day (most days?), I just have to trust that God has me, even when I can't feel it.

Today, I'm trusting, and resting, and praying that God will sustain me, despite myself.

When God's answers aren't our answers.

2010-04-15T06:23:00.000-04:00

A sprained ankle doesn't fit into my plans.

It just doesn't.

I'm training for a 10-mile run. I have a presentation today in class. My job requires me to be on my feet.

So what's this sprained ankle all about, God?

I have to name a suspicion that's been on my heart since August: God has been using physical things to slow me down. I can't shake it. Every month, it's something else. Generally, I've been getting sick. What you probably don't know is that I used to never get sick. I could be surrounded by sick people, and I wouldn't get sick.

And I know what's going on in my heart when I get sick. As soon as I start to think about the dreaded "thin myth" I've bought into-- as soon as I tell myself I'll just exercise more, eat less, and compare myself to every skinny girl around me-- that's when - BOOM - God tells me to sit down and be still. Just like that.

To be honest, it's really annoying. It's not what I want. It's not the answer I want to the prayer to be closer to God. I want to always be moving, to always be independent, to always be supergirl.

God says, "Let go. Let me be in control, and draw you close to my heart."

I think these physical standstill moments go beyond just being still in the Lord; I think God is teaching me something about the lies I focus on. He's literally making it impossible for me to lose weight the way I used to. Hm. Probably not a coincidence.

Apparently, my desire to be more attune with God-- my prayer to be close to him-- is a more painful process than I thought. Emotionally and physically.

"Turn my heart towards your statutes, and not towards selfish gain.

Turn my eyes away from worthless things; preserve my life according to your word."

Ps. 119:36-37

When we pray, God answers... especially when we pray to follow him.

When he answers, we should listen. Even when (or especially when) it's not the answer we want.

Ok, God.

Here I am.

In the Beginning: Today's View

2010-04-14T08:43:00.001-04:00

Begin.

Every day, we begin. We have a beginning--a chance to start. We choose.

How do you choose to begin?

Most days, I rush out of bed. I walk through our (usually-messy) apartment, and consider how I don't have time to clean it. I see the dog, hoping my husband will take her out this morning so it won't take away from my time. I brush through the list of tasks in my head, and either praise myself for getting up super early to get them done, or curse myself for sleeping in until the sun wakes me up.

Most days, at the beginning, I don't consider the Lord.

Since returning from the retreat, it's as if a slowness has taken over my center. I am so used to forcing myself awake before the sunrise, but these days, I welcome in the extra sleep next to Elliott. This morning, I rejected my alarm, and instead felt as if I were opening my arms to embrace a happy, childhood-esque dream of peace. It was colorful and playful and made me smile as I chose to stay slumbering in bed, cozied up next to my best friend, our dog rolled happily in a ball at our feet.

This morning, at the beginning, I allowed myself to first acknowledge the Lord:

Praise God from whom all blessings flow,

Thank you, Lord for the extra sleep.

Praise Him, all creatures here below.

Please help me get things accomplished today.

Praise Him above, ye heavenly hosts.

Help me to rest in you and not to squander the moments before work.

Or after. Or during.

Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost.

Draw me closer to you today.

Amen. Amen.

How do you choose to begin?

Recuperation or Laziness?

2010-04-13T08:37:00.001-04:00

I wonder why, when I have just experienced God's healing in a powerful, exhausting way, I then turn and run. Yesterday, I gave into exhaustion. I prayed and prayed that I would use the day wisely, but I feel like maybe I just squandered it. I don't feel more rested today; I feel like I've been hit by a bus. Maybe instead of giving in to recuperation, I gave into laziness.

Today, again I feel completely wiped out. It's taking me hours to get a move on the day. The thing is, I feel like I went to a different world this weekend. It was a world of beauty and healing and intimacy, and now that I'm back in reality, I want to crawl into the covers and shut myself away.

Break.

Heal.

Put the sticky notes around your mirror, remind yourself of the healing.

When the mirror breaks again,

Use the stick from the back to piece it back together.

Self-Talk Vs. God-Talk

2010-04-12T16:51:00.000-04:00

Pardon the hiatus.

I didn't make this blog a priority, as other priorities (school, work, church, etc.) seeped its way in to the immediate-sphere. However, I just returned from a Spirit-filled artist retreat, and inspiration led me here. I found myself amongst a group of Christian writers, and I was explaining to them about lack of inspiration to write, but they reminded me that it's not the point. You just write. Every day. You just do it. Some days, it will be absolutely inane and awful, but you get something down.

So I'll try. I might not post every thought here, but I will attempt to be a more disciplined writer, in hopes that my discipline will merge into spiritual discipline as well.

Alright, so the above was my disclaimer/explanation. Now onto something substantial.

A lot happened this weekend. God met us on that retreat--every one of us. Each person left the retreat irrevocably changed. I want to share one small moment of transformation.

The music group led us through a time of Self Talk Vs. God Talk. They asked us to write down at least five things we say to ourselves on a daily basis. I wrote mine down without blinking an eye. I knew the constant self-bashing that goes on in my head day-to-day, and so I quickly spewed them out. I had no intention of sharing them out loud, but then when the leader asked people to share, suddenly I heard my own voice piercing through the dense silence.

As I read each ugly sentence out one-by-one, my voice started to crack. I was startled. Tears started flowing. I hadn't expected to cry. I was ashamed by this unexpected vulnerability. These people around me knew the darkest things I say to myself. The lies I used to speak in darkness were now spoken into light. Matthew 10:26, "There is nothing [...] hidden that will not be made known."

Afterwards, we were to write five things we knew God was trying to say to us. I wrote them down--truths from the Father--and they posted them up around a mirror. I had to look at myself in the mirror as they read the truths out loud. Matthew 10:27, "What I tell you in the dark, speak in the daylight; what is whispered in your ear, proclaim from the roofs."

You are loved. Fully.

You are my daughter.

You are fully beautiful the way I made you.

I created you specifically.

I adore who I made you to be.

You are no longer broken.

I have to admit--I have never had so much trouble facing myself in a mirror. How ready I am to believe the lies I speak to myself daily; how difficult it is for me to accept the truth that God has offered to me since before I was born. It shook me.

Then, my dear, dear sister-in-law came up to me while I was bent over in sobs. In response to all of my self-talks, she posted five truths she wanted me to hear:

You are precious and beloved. Unique.

You are gorgeous.

You are precious and amounting to a great deal.

You are a blessing to all who meet you.

I won't name the things I say to myself. They are vulnerable, ugly, and have been sacrificed onto the Lord. Literally. We took them out and burned them in a fire.

Amen.

A Leap of Faith

2010-03-22T10:25:00.000-04:00

God tends to put me in situations that don't make sense.

For instance, I left a steady corporate job for a barista position. I make 1/3 of the salary I used to make. Oh, but did I mention that I quit the job even before having another job lined up? Yeah. It doesn't make much logical, human sense, does it? My rational self was rising up against the decision, and yet God brought me to the place where I just had to obey. And trust. And leap. I had to take that leap of faith.

And he took care of us.

I am faced today with another decision similar to the one above. I don't want to go into details, though most of you probably know them. Doubt invades the spaces where faith should be filling in. My human sensibilities are crowding what I really believe God is calling me to do.

Two verses are coming into mind:

Matthew 6:25-26

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?"

1 Corinthians 1:20

"Where is the wise man? Where is the scholar? Where is the philosopher of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world?"

Please pray for me this week with regards to this leap.

What Possesses You

2010-03-12T22:50:00.001-05:00

I held the skinny jeans in my left hand, and the garbage bag full of donations in my right. Unwillingness overcame me as I put the jeans back into the drawer. "Maybe someday," I thought. "Maybe someday again I will wear these..."

I'm so thankful the Holy Spirit is with us, especially in moments where our own will is too weak. The Spirit recalled distinctly to my mind our small group discussion last night--all about the "American Dream" and possessions. The question was asked, "Have you ever felt possessed by your possessions?"

One member brought up the fact that she had attended a wealthy church who had two million dollars saved away for their "rainy day fund." I understand everyone needs a bit of savings for emergencies...but two million dollars? Couldn't that be better used elsewhere for people who need it--people who are in emergencies?

Yet there I was, this pair of jeans in my hand, ready to continue to hoard these jeans along with some other pieces of days-gone-by. God reminded me that these are not my clothes. God gave them to me for a time, but it's time to let them go. And with those jeans in my hands--my beloved skinny jeans--I heard God whisper, "If you don't give these up, you're letting them possess you."

So I tossed them in the garbage bag.

Praise the Lord for transformation.

Trust

2010-03-09T12:17:00.000-05:00

In my anxiousness to know the future--even the somewhat near future--I sense God reminding me of the anxiety leading up to my wedding day.

Don't you remember how I took care of you then?

I do.

I will rest in the knowledge that the Lord not only has a plan, but the best plan.

Proverbs 16:9

"In his heart a man plans his course,

but the Lord determines his steps."

The Inner Old Testament Israelite

2010-02-24T11:33:00.000-05:00

Who would've thought I'd find something personal in Deuteronomy?

Generally, I have trouble working my way through passages of obscure laws and judgement, but listen to these words (brace yourselves--it's a long-ish passage!):

"When you and your children return to the Lord your God and obey him with all your heart and with all your soul according to everything I command you today, then the Lord your God will restore your fortunes and have compassion on you and gather you again from all the nations where he scattered you.

Even if you have been banished to the most distant land under the heavens, from there to Lord your God will gather you and bring you back. He will bring you to the land that belonged to your fathers, and you will take possession of it. [...]

The Lord your God will circumcise your hearts and the hearts of your descendants, so that you may love him and live. [...] The Lord again will delight in you and make you prosperous just as he delighted in your fathers, if you obey the Lord your God and keep his commands [...] and turn to the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul."

I always sort of felt like an Israelite--one of God's chosen who constantly wandered off into their own wilderness of sorts, only to be called back to the land of her fathers. From the time I was a young girl, I honestly have felt "claimed" by God. By this, I mean that once I made the conscious decision to follow Christ, his grip was firm upon my life. No matter how many times I wandered away (and trust me, I wandered to the very distant of lands), I sensed a pull from the Lord. Many times, I even ignored that pull, but I knew it was there. And I wanted to go back to him, but I was stubborn, just like an Israelite in the Old Testament.

This description so vividly reminds me of my life during and post college. I learned about God from my parents, so the "land of my fathers" is very clearly the "land of following Christ" as demonstrated by my parents. During and after college, I did not "turn to the Lord" with all my "heart and with all my soul;" my Christianity was very half-hearted. I didn't seek out Christian fellowship; I stayed tucked away in my own warm, homemade Christian-like blanket and was content to stay there. It was nice and I was happy.

Sure, I wandered a lot and was confused a lot but it took several infrequent (but intense) dances with despair for me to finally have a harsh awakening and return. My return was right around the time Elliott and I re-met. It is so clear to me that God intended us for each other because we have brought each other so close to the Lord--we have brought each other into a relationship with God that involves all of our heart and soul.

I also think this passage is interesting because here is an Old Testament passage using the term "circumcision of the heart." It reminds me of Paul, when he tells the new church that they need not be physically circumcised to enter into Christ's family. And here we are--even in the Old Testament--being told that really, what matters is the heart. We should really reflect on what this phrase means (and I'm sure my theologian readers would have a more comprehensive interpretation. Please do shed some more light on this issue.). Circumcision is painful, but it is also a separation. Circumcising the heart has got to be painful--a giving up of our selves in order to separate from the world and point to God's glory.

Nah, it's not easy. But he didn't say it would be, now did he?

Random thoughts on listening

2010-02-21T13:15:00.001-05:00

It feels like I haven't written in a while, and I'm not really sure why. A lot of it has to do with the lack of "still" time as schoolwork gets more demanding. Some of it has to do with not really being able to find the words. I tried to write about new things I've been realizing about prayer, but I started to trip over my words. I don't think it's a coincidence.

Silence and listening can be very enriching tools. I don't think we nurture them enough.

Sometimes prayer should be more about listening. Sometimes the spiritual journey should be more about silence and less about my poor attempts at articulation.

On a slightly unrelated note, this morning in church I got to steal a few moments with an older woman (I'll call her, "Ruth") I hold very dearly to my heart. Ruth is one of those people from whom with every encounter, I gain deep wisdom about life. Unfortunately for me, I've never been able to spend more than ten minutes at a time with her (note to self: ask Ruth out to coffee).

Since I always learn something from Ruth, I generally just like to listen to her tell me about her life in general (young people: seriously, listen to the elder people in your church. They honestly know what they're talking about). Recently over the past year, Ruth has been experiencing great pains that come with getting older. A very active person throughout her whole life, she is grappling with having to be seated for most of her days. Though she had found solace and joy in swimming, a recent shoulder injury has kept her from even this simple pleasure. She urged me to enjoy my youth and health now. "I didn't appreciate what I had," Ruth told me. "I was always thinking about what I wanted: a fuller chest, smaller hips, and so on, that I didn't appreciate being able to move."

Can we please all take that to heart? Let's stop focusing on criticizing ourselves and praise the Lord for the ability to move and be young and healthy. And if we are not young or healthy, let's pray and ask God how he might strengthen us in order that we may help encourage others.

God can use us. Let's let him.

Wandering the Wilderness with the Lord

2010-02-03T13:33:00.000-05:00

I sat in meditation. Just listening. Closing my eyes and focusing on the One True God. I thought about life, and offered the whisper of a prayer about our future. I thought of the many possibilities facing Elliott and me. Each possibility certainly brings me a peace... a peace that only comes when you know you are exactly where God wants you.

Right now, it has been made clear that God wants us exactly where we are. But where is that, exactly? Where are we?

As I sat there praying, a vivid picture came swiftly in and out of my mind. It was me, wandering through the desert—the desert of the Israelites. I have often thought about how maddening and frustrating it must have been to be wandering in that desert for so long. In this particular moment of clarity, Jesus showed me that I have been wandering like the Israelites. All my life, I have been wandering from this to that with no clear understanding. Though sometimes I did not follow God through the wilderness, many times I have followed him.

I followed God out of graduate school, and then into the corporate world. But I was floundering and wandering about in that realm. So I followed God out of the corporate world and into another graduate program and into a retail job. And though I do feel at peace with where I am, a part of me feels that it’s just another step along the way. The way things are going right now, I don’t know how I will use this degree I am attaining, or, quite honestly, if I will finish. I have a tendency to start things and not finish them, but I also have been really relying on the Lord’s direction.

But the thing is, I’m not anywhere in particular yet. I am still wandering. I haven’t reached the right “land” yet. It’s not like I’m wandering in the desert without the Lord—no, he is very near and present in this journey. I have a feeling that God is bringing me (and Elliott) to a specific destination of some kind. I wonder if I will have another picture, maybe a year or two in the future (or five or six) of myself in this same desert, but arriving someplace.

I am comforted by this picture. It's like God is letting me know that he knows what’s going on. Indeed, I do feel a bit lost at times and still feel like the winds could change; at any moment, I may be swept up in a slightly different direction. But God is letting me know that he is in control.

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

Joshua 1:9

Living in the Land of Much-Too-Much

2010-01-30T11:25:00.000-05:00

This morning, Elliott and I were hosting a breakfast meeting with a couple of our friends to discuss the possibility of living in an intentional Christian community. I wanted to be able to provide an abundance of choices for them—omelets, baked oatmeal loaf, fruit, cheese, coffee, etc. etc. As I walked through the bitter cold to our corner store on 6^th and Dickinson, I was disheartened to see it was still boarded up, closed for business, at 8 am on a Saturday morning.

Carrying my disappointment with me, I walked down the block to the Rite Aid for eggs. At least we’d have eggs, if not produce. As I walked back mulling over my disappointment about the lack of fruit, it suddenly struck me as bizarre. Here I was, disappointed that I couldn’t get exactly what I wanted when I wanted it. When did we start living this way?—that we should expect and anticipate that we will get anything we want when we want it? When did it suddenly become a right?

It’s not a right, friends. It certainly is a privilege, and one in which I do not think we should be entirely proud or comfortable.

I thought again of my brothers and sisters in Haiti. Even in their “best” days, even before the earthquake, how often could any one of them think, “I’m going to stop drinking milk and instead drink soy milk because it tastes better?" How many people around the world have such an option?

I’ve spent much of the last five years of my life obsessing about food, and though I do still think there is merit in eating healthy, I don’t want to lose sight of the absurdity of the situation. Many people do not have the option to eat gluten free bread and probably have no idea what a gluten allergy is. Many people do not even have the option of having clean water.

We need to keep these facts close to heart. There is such injustice in the world and we are living in the Land of Plenty—nay, the Land of Too Much. Much too much. We are hoarding our wealth, friends. We have gotten used to a lifestyle that we think we deserve, or that we at least just take for granted.

It’s not a Christ-centered way of living. If we think that what we have is ours, then we have been poorly misled. We are conforming to the pattern of the world.

“All the belivers were one in heart and mind. No one claimed that any of his possessions was his own, but they shared everything they had. With great power the apostles continued to testify to the resurrection of the Lord Jesus, and much grace was upon them all. There were no needy persons among them. For from time to time those who owned lands or houses sold them, bought the money form the salles and put it at the apostles’ feet, and it was distributed to anything as he had need.”

Acts 4:32-35

I do not have much money to give. Elliott and I live a very meager lifestyle and do not earn a lot; most of what we have earned goes to bills and towards our car. What I do have, though, is plenty. I have plenty of clothes that go un-worn or only worn sporadically. I am writing this as a way for you to keep me accountable: with the help of Victoria (of the blog Tiedemann Tribe), I am going to sell many of my clothes and give the proceeds to relief in Haiti. It is going to take me a while to take inventory and pictures of everything I have and it is going to take up some free time to organize it, but I am going to do it. I want everyone reading to keep me accountable. It is going to take a LOT of sacrifice on my part because I do indeed love my clothes. But the reality is that my sisters and brothers need the money more than I need the clothes.

Please pray for continued release from the world and things that bind, and also for the time to gather everything in order to accomplish what the Lord has laid on my heart.

My Second Confirmation

2010-01-22T10:52:00.000-05:00

To preface this claim to a "second confirmation" about whether or not Elliott and I should pursue missions, let me just say that throughout the last couple of weeks, I have been tempted to count numerous occasions as "confirmations" from the Lord. Someone would say something, and I would inwardly strain to hear from God: "Was that a confirmation, Lord?" Then, an inward response or answer to myself: "I'll know when it's God when it's actually God." As with the first moment of confirmation, I will recognize that I am in the full and tangible presence of the Holy Spirit.

So I waited. There was no rush.

Last night at small group, we went around the table sharing prayer requests. Elliott asked for prayer as we discern our next steps: to join the intentional community or not? To leave in two years or not? Where is God calling us? Should we stay? Should we go? Should we invest in a new intentional community or remain where we are?

One girl in our small group, Sarah, looked directly at me and either said pointedly (or was it a question?), "You two are of one mind, though."

Holy Spirit. There he was. Hm. Interesting.

I tried to make sense of this moment as I said, "Well, yeah... we're definitely on the same page here. Wherever God wants us." Inwardly, I was saying, "Ok, God. I think that was my second confirmation, but could you confirm it again? If that was really a confirmation from you, can you just seal it by one more word from Sarah?"

Without missing a beat, again Sarah proclaimed in her clear, unwavering way, "You two were meant to be."

Holy Spirit. Whew. Wow. Awesome. Got it.

I can't help but smile and giggle inwardly as I write this post. Isn't God just so... super cool? He totally knows what we need, whether it's the food to get us through the day or the words we need to hear from him just to know that we're not deciding things for ourselves.

I am totally enraptured by this God. I can't help but praise him with every smile he awakens onto my face. Thank you, Lord!!

Here I Am

2010-01-18T00:32:00.000-05:00

"Heavenly Father, you always amaze me.

Let your kingdom come in my world, and in my life.

[...]

The kingdom of the heavens

Is now advancing

Invade my heart

Invade this broken town."

Lord, here I am.

Send me.

I am willing to go.

If you want me in Haiti, find a way. I will go.

Here I am.

"Our God in heaven

Hallowed be Thy name above all names.

Your kingdom come

Your will be done

On earth as it is in heaven.

Give us today our daily bread;

Forgive us weary sinners.

Lead us far away from our vices

And deliver us from our prisons."

-Jon Foreman, Your Love Is Strong

2010-01-15T21:42:00.000-05:00

My heart breaks for Haiti.

Time Usage as an Act of Worship

2010-01-14T11:12:00.000-05:00

“Now you will notice that nothing throws him into a passion so easily as to find a tract of time which he reckoned on having at his own disposal unexpectedly taken from him [...These moments] anger him because he regards his time as his own and feels that it is being stolen. You must therefore zealously guard in his mind the curious assumption “My time is my own” [...] His own personal birthright.”

C.S. Lewis, The Screwtape Letters

I believe I have been convicted on my time-usage.

This conviction wasn’t one of those hit-you-over-the-head moments; it was more of a gradual awakening.

Last semester, I practiced a “No” policy, meaning I would say, “No” to anything extra. It was honestly a discipline for me, since the majority of my life has been a “Yes” to everything extra. Everything is interesting to me, I want to help out when I can, and I want to stay busy. I noticed, though, a pattern in my life: too many tasks, not enough time for relationships.

So my “No” policy did indeed give me more time to become available to those around me...theoretically. Yet the more I think about last semester, the more I call to mind the hours I spent getting into various shows on Hulu than spending time building relationships. Hm. Not a very wise use of my time.

Urbana reminded me of the thirst that has been present: the thirst for people, for my church family, and for singing unto the Lord. I have been thirsty, friends. And though I kept praying for opportunities to sing, grow, and belong, I made no sacrifices—no efforts.

That’s changing. I asked many in my church family to pray for my Sundays off, I asked my boss for Sundays off, and Jesus is answering such prayers. I am offering my body as a living sacrifice for worship. Yes, I may become busier than last semester, but I believe this sacrifice will bring more good than harm. God will protect me from exhaustion; God will build me up. I know it. I will grow closer to my community and to Jesus through this “spiritual act of worship.”

I also have been rethinking what it means to “Remember the Sabbath and keep in Holy.” Though a day of rest is good for anyone, I think that the word, “Holy” is key here. Last semester, Elliott and I had the sheer joy to experience our “Sabbath Mondays” together. This semester, I am offering my “Sabbath Sundays” to the Lord, completely focused and dedicated to doing HIS work. It’s not a day for me to chill under my own pretenses, but a day to offer myself to him fully.

“The man can neither make, nor retain, one moment of time; it all comes to him by pure gift.”

C.S. Lewis, The Screwtape Letters

Truth

2010-01-13T13:02:00.000-05:00

"If reading the Bible makes you feel comfortable, you're probably not reading it right."

Paraphrased from my brother, Matt Stephan, in his sermon this past Sunday.

Preach it, brother!!

Once the shine wears off

2010-01-07T22:03:00.000-05:00

The shine is starting to wear off, and the reality is sinking in.

If we go overseas, we are leaving everyone behind.

The last couple of days, I have been gripped by anxiety. I have become inexplicably anxious about everyday things and big things. This morning, I realized the root of my anxiety.

God, are you really going to send us? Away from everyone? Away from our home?

Because, well, maybe he won't. But maybe he will.

Maybe he will.

And what does that mean? It means Micah and Titus, my twin nephews--not even a year old yet--won't know their aunt in their everyday lives. It means that I won't be walking through a Philly street, knowing that I completely understand my language and where to get basic necessities. It means I won't see my family all the time or my best friends. It means... a lot of sacrifice.

It's a rough reality to be faced with. So as I walked to the gym, I said a little prayer.

Alright, God. I know that Elliott is pretty convinced and has received confirmation about this going-abroad thing...and I won't deny that I do indeed feel a call, or a pull, to start looking seriously into teaching in Asia. Here's the thing, though: I need confirmation, too. If this is, in fact, YOU calling us to go, please make it clear.

(And then I remembered a number of testimonies I've heard over the last few years about people asking for confirmation from the Lord in "threes," so I said:)

In three. Three confirmations.

Amen.

So there I was at the gym getting on my treadmill when this guy shows up.

"What's your shirt mean?"

I stopped the treadmill, very eager for this conversation. You see, I have a shirt that says, "DECEIVED" on the front and "HumanWrong.org" on the back. It's a campaign by the International Justice Mission to help end child slavery. So I explained it.

"That's a great cause. You see, I've witnessed it first hand."

Sal (that's his name, I found out later) told me about his travels in SouthEast Asia while he was a doctor in the army. He said he saw it everywhere, people treating other people like things, like commodities.

"You know what they really need is education. Education helps people begin to see through a different worldview; you can't just treat people like they're not people. I really think it's through education that people begin to have their minds opened and can start treating others are fellow humans who have emotions and personalities...."

That's number one.

Wow. Yeah, I got that. That was fast.

Alright then. Two more to go.

On a side note, Elliott and I are gearing more towards ELIC to start out. We're looking into Laos as a first choice, and probably Cambodia as a second choice. I just submitted my application tonight. Wild.

Confession

2010-01-03T09:30:00.000-05:00

Deuteronomy 4:15-16, 20

"You saw no form of any kind the day the Lord spoke to you at Horeb out of the fire. Therefore watch yourselves very carefully, so that you do not become corrupt and make for yourselves an idol, an image of any shape, whether formed like a man or a woman [...] But as for you, the Lord took you and brought you out of the iron-smelting furnace, out of Egypt, to be a people of his inheritance."

I have made for myself an idol. I have worshipped this idol, completely giving my thought-life over to it and making my body a living sacrifice unto it.

I have coveted her so much that I have spent the greater part of my life trying to become her--wishing I was already made in her likeness. I have sacrificed rest, relationships, and the Sabbath to chase after her. I have studied her word in the form of magazines, websites, and TV shows.

And now I will name her in order to renounce her. My god has been the god of "the skinny girl."

My search for being thin has been much more than mere sin. I have been putting my trust in this idol and not in the one true God, the God who chose me, who loves me, who redeems me. I have not trusted in the One who created me, the Great I Am who rescued the Israelites from slavery, who came as God Incarnate. I have forsaken the Lord.

I have not trusted in the way that God created me. I have told him that his creation is not "good enough" and needs to be fixed. I have been a poor witness to my sisters and have not been glorifying the Lord with the way I approach my body.

Please pray for continued healing and release. I cannot do this alone.

Living Out the Incarnation

2009-12-30T10:43:00.000-05:00

The Lord is doing some mighty, awesome things here. He is moving in God-like ways.

I am ill-prepared to describe how mighty He is and what's going on inside my heart.

Yesterday, Elliott and I attended a seminar by Teri McCarthy of International Institute for Christian Studies. They send people with terminal degrees to other countries to teach "in such a way as to draw others to faith and transformation in Christ." Long story short, they send qualified individuals to live for many, many years in another country serving as a professor. Their mission is to teach in secular universities in order to represent our Lord--in other words, to live incarnationally.

I have always struggled with my privilege. Why was I born in the U.S. with the means to...everything? Why was I born an English speaker? Why am I so blessed? We are blessed to bless others. My privilege must be used to bring glory to the Father. Teri spoke about how powerful merely teaching English can be. If you teach a woman how to speak English, she can rise from poverty. Teri had four men come up to her in Afghanistan to ask her about the Lord because they had always wondered about Jesus. A man had to speak one line in an English play that Teri wrote--a line about Jesus's birth--and God used it to bring him and his wife to Christ. God can use our privilege if we let him. Those who are given much have much responsibility. Suddenly, everything clicked. And it clicked for Elliott too. We are going to prayerfully consider partnering with IICS in the future for long term missions.

There was so much of what she said that resonated so deeply with me. I cannot encapsulate it. It was private, it was God, and it was beautiful. Elliott was there too and experiencing very similar things. If you are interested in reading more about their mission, I would highly recommend reading Teaching in a Distant Classroom: Crossing Borders for Global Transformation" by Michael H. Romanowski and Teri McCarthy. If you know of anyone who is thinking of teaching in another country for the sake of the gospel, please get this book for them. It is vital for Christians to wrestle with their honest approach to teaching in other countries.

And of course, God is working in other ways as well, but I can only ruminate on little bites at a time. So, to awkwardly end this post, I will just leave with the lyrics to a hymn that has been in my head...

Turn your eyes upon Jesus

Look full at his wonderful face

and the things of earth will grow strangely dim

by the light of His Glory and Grace

Dwelling in Your Context

2009-12-29T07:26:00.000-05:00

One day down, and my brain feels like it just left Thanksgiving dinner.

Oi.

There's so much I've learned, so much information I've gained, and so many connections I've made so far, it would probably be boring to list them all. So let me just share what's heaviest on my heart.

Before we came here, we had started to see true beginnings of the Lord's hand at work: long ago, we gave him a small prayer, that we might be able to be part of a New Monasticism or new form of church in the manifestation of an intentional community. Over the last couple of months, God has really brought us to certain people and surrounded us with certain situations that make it seem like this is his will for us.

Upon coming here, I wanted us to be open to the possibility of going abroad, going elsewhere, going where there is the most need. There is certainly a seed in my heart to help wherever God may call us, and I know it's in my husband's heart too. I half-expected God to speak to us in an "A-HA" moment and say, "Go here, to this remote country, as soon as you return home to Philly." But so often, I think the grandeur of being a missionary overseas overshadows the reality that we are called to be witnesses of God everywhere and anywhere we are placed.

In our neighborhood.

I am so thankful for the wisdom of my husband, and especially for his humility. He pointed out that he would not feel ready to go abroad into a new context until he had learned more how to share the gospel within our own context. Furthermore, he still has a commitment to a church and I have a commitment to finish my teaching degree, so we are here for another year and a half at least, if not longer. Maybe our mission is home in Philadelphia for a year, or maybe for twenty years. We don't know, but we can listen to God's call and respond with, "Yes."

The theme of the conference is, "He Dwelled Among Us."

He is still dwelling among us.

I see Jesus in unlikely places.

Matthew 25:40 (New International Version)

⁴⁰"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'

Urbana 2009: Upon Arrival

2009-12-27T15:02:00.000-05:00

Location: St. Louis, Missouri

Why: the Urbana conference

How: By a true, miraculous gift from God given to us through our pastor and his wife

We have yet to officially begin, as orientation is at 5pm tonight, but so far, this trip has been a blessing (of course). The weather held out, as I knew it would, because God has a theme of showing us his power through the weather (and through with-holding bad weather). I did not fear the 12-hour journey here, as it was very obvious to me that God wanted us here.

So, a few thoughts before we begin the conference:

1) Prayer and Listening: My prayer for this week is that I deliberately "shut up" and listen to the Lord. I want to practice prayer of listening. Instead of talking or petitioning, I want to wait upon the Lord. I have thought about this discipline before, and have practiced it here and there during yoga, but I know it is something I need to make an effort towards because it is not in my nature to be still.

2) Recognizing that God's ways are not my ways: Elliott and I have been talking about how we hope this trip will be a revelation to us from God about what he wants us to do with our lives. The reality is that maybe God's purpose for us being here is entirely different. I don't know why exactly God wanted us here, but he made it very clear that we were to come. So we did. The rest is up to our diligence and his revealing. I'm open to anything he wants to tell us.

3) Romans 12: I'm not sure if this is directly related to the conference, but this chapter has been blowing my mind lately. I can barely compose all the thoughts and revelations that are coming from reading and re-reading this chapter, but I would challenge everyone to dive into this chapter a little deeper than they ever have before and see how the Lord can use it in your life. I hope that God makes my thoughts and his thoughts clearer that I might write about it in a useful fashion, and I hope to maybe work through it in my blog, verse by verse. For now, just know it's been on my heart and I hope everyone may be blessed through it as I have this past week.

More later, I'm sure...

We Are Called to Serve

2009-12-20T10:43:00.000-05:00

Excerpt from “The Heart of the Artist” by Rory Noland, found on pages 64-65

“First of all, stay focused on ministering to people, as opposed to gratifying yourself artistically. Ministry is not about us and our wonderful talents. It’s about people. It’s all about serving others. First Peter 4:10 says, “Each one of us should use whatever gift he has received to serve others.” If you’re trying to gratify yourself artistically and forget all about ministering to people, it will be a very empty experience. We artists spend so much time on technique and style that we often lose sight of the people we’re trying to reach. [...] We need to come to a meeting, to a rehearsal, or to a service ready and willing to serve. Instead of always asking, “What’s in it for me?” or “What can I get out of this?” we need to ask, “How can I serve? What can I give?”

My mentor and friend read this passage during an arts-retreat-planning meeting, and it brought me to tears. Suddenly, I realized why I had become so empty while at Villanova and why acting turned from something so full to something so empty. When I was at Eastern University, we were trained not only in technique, but also in serving our audience. Acting was not about ourselves, but about the community and the communal experience—not just between actors, but especially between the actor and the audience. At Villanova University, acting was no longer about serving, but about mastering my own technique. It became so focused inwards, about self, and it left me completely empty. There was virtually no community of actors taking care of each other. I don’t think anyone at Villanova would want to hear this or necessarily promote this style, but even if it’s not what their mission is, it is still evident from their actions. Professional and academic acting, from what I witnessed, is so much about SELF. No wonder I couldn’t see where my acting fit into the kingdom of God; while at Villanova, there was nothing kingdom about it.

This isn’t to say I am about to jump back into theatre, but it just clicked in my mind and made sense. Whatever gift we have, it is meant to be given and not kept to ourselves.

Cultural Blinders

2009-12-16T14:38:00.000-05:00

The other day, I was speaking with my brother about Bernard of Clairvoux. I told him I wanted to read more of his work. Matt told me he is known as the theologian of love. Conversely, however, he was also the theologian of the crusades.

“That’s weird,” I remarked with a crinkled, confused face.

“It was his culture,” Matt astutely replied. “We are all susceptible to cultural blinders. We have them too.”

It makes me wonder: what are my cultural blinders?

Just now I started reading the book “The Heavenly Man” about Brother Yun. When he was a teenager, he fasted for 100 days for a Bible, only eating one bowl of rice at night. This story made me think of two things: 1) What should I be fasting for? Why am I not in more earnest for Christ? 2) Is the over-consumption culture in which I live blinding me from truth?

1) What would cause me to earnestly fast after the Lord? I am inspired by those who are seeking so much that they sacrifice so much comfort for the Lord’s benefit. I have often tried fasting before. For about a year, I fasted once a week, but it turned out to be a diet tactic shrouded by holy piety. I also feel that because of my particular struggles, fasting seems to be a stumbling block for me; I get so focused on NOT eating that again, my thoughts become about food and not about God at all. What is it like to give up everything in order to hear from God?

2) To go back to a common, early theme, my struggle is vanity, and I believe consumption (or over-consumption) has a lot to do with it. I believe I have too much of everything, but especially clothes and food. I am also led to believe that I need this much stuff. I need ten pairs of shoes, ten different hoodies, five jackets, etc. I need a variety of foods, lattes, hot chocolate, etc.

As far as food goes in my life, I would say that I have a very limited and simple diet, but it often leads me to believe I am hungry. I get discontent with my simple food. I want more, I go out and get more, more, more, more. It’s so readily available that I consume without thought. I feel as though I am constantly in consumption.

As for clothes, I have wanted to purge myself of my stuff, but I need a reason why. A clear reason why. Right now, I just have this small inkling that perhaps it would be better to have less, but I don’t know what God means by this inkling. Does he want me to give up so others can have what I have had and do not wear often? Does he want me to give up so that I learn to sacrifice? Both? How much? What do I give?

I want, as much as possible, to be aware of cultural blinders and eradicate their ensnaring powers in my life. I want Jesus to have all of me. Besides, all this “stuff” I have accumulated belongs to him and him entirely. I am a guest here; everything is his.

Soon, Elliott and I will be embarking on an adventure to Urbana. On this conference, we really hope and pray that we will have time to seek the Lord together, free from the distractions of our lives here at home. We will be forced to live very meagerly—on canned goods, beans, veggies, peanut butter, and rice cakes. For a week. It’s a sort of a fast, don’t you think? Maybe I will learn that we can live with very little. And as for packing, I do not need much. I should use this opportunity to leave with as little as possible, to escape distractions, to focus on the Lord.

Your Ways are Better

2009-12-15T21:05:00.000-05:00

Isaiah 55:8-9

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,

neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the LORD.

"As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.

God's way is always better than my way, even when I think my way is pretty gosh-darn good.

Take, for instance, the time when I was looking for a new job closer to home. I applied to every small, privately-owned shop and store that graced our South Philly neighborhood. The owner of my favorite coffee shop really wanted to hire me too, but my schedule conflicts made it impossible at the time. I remember that day after the interview, trudging my way into the car, fighting back my tears of frustration and disappointment. "It seemed like such a good option," I thought. Honestly, the way I saw it, this option was the best one.

But no. God closed that door.

And then he opened a door. Very cleverly, I might add.

So there I was, back at the coffee shop; the coffee shop that had rejected me as an employee. I was sitting there with my sister-in-law when an old college acquaintance walked in. I'm always awkward in these moments, wondering what to say or what their reaction will be, but I thought, "No, I'm going to say hi." Turns out my friend was the manager of a Starbucks looking for a shift supervisor. I was hired within two weeks.

Here's what God did: he took my dream and made it better. He touched it with his Spirit and made it... just right. More right than I could ever make it.

God really takes care of us, you know? The thing is, maybe there would be benefits to working for a small mom-and-pop store, but God knew that with the forfeiting of my corporate job, Elliott and I would need health benefits. I never even thought of applying to Starbucks, but it ended up to be the better option. God's ways are better.

I need to remind myself of these moments, because sometimes I really get discouraged. Recently, I've been thinking about the future. I would really like to have kids someday (sooner rather than later), but I know we don't make even nearly enough money at this point. Nor do we have the finances to save enough for a house in the near future. It can get very discouraging, but the reality is that God's ways are better than mine. The way he works in our lives, he's going to do something for us that's so incredibly "him" that there will be no other way than to point the glory directly back to its source.

He's already doing it!

Yay God!

My Prayer of Today

2009-12-13T22:06:00.000-05:00

Dear God,

I earnestly pray that you will help me to be more gracious towards others,

to always place others' needs above my own,

to sacrifice willingly and joyfully.

I pray that you will give me strength to do so,

because I cannot do it on my own.

Obviously.

Love,

Rachel

An Exercise in Loving Oneself

2009-12-12T11:20:00.000-05:00

Victoria tagged me for this thing where you write down ten things you love about yourself. I have to say that I was really hesitant to do it, and honestly really didn’t positively intend on filling it out. As it is, I don’t feel exactly comfortable posting it on my own blog 1) because my blog is focused on my walk with God, and 2) because well, it’s a vulnerable thing to post. However, as I struggled this morning to love myself and found myself saying the same disparaging things in my mind, I thought, “You know, it probably would be a good exercise for me to fill it out. It might be a healthy thing for me to do.”

Also, I was thinking about Bernard of Clairvoux’s four stages of love: 1) Love of self for self’s sake. 2) Love of God for self’s sake. 3) Love of God for God’s sake. 4) Love of self for God’s sake. I’m not really sure what number four looks like in reality, but I am striving to get there. I certainly have had number one mastered for the majority of my life, and I feel like now I’m fluctuating between two and three, though Lord-willing I hope I am settling in more cozily in number three. But love of self for God’s sake? What does that look like?

I spend most of my days not liking myself. I feel ugly, slobbish, heavy, imperfect, unsuccessful. I know these are all human-measured adjectives, and I want to get to a point where I just spend most of my days loving the Lord, expending my thought-ly energies on Jesus and loving him and others around me....and yeah, loving myself too....with a love that is right and in a good place.

So here goes: 10 things I love about myself.

1) I love where I came from, in all senses of the word. I love my family and the people they are and how they raised me. I love the mountains of North Jersey and the Narnia and Middle Earth we created there. I love my childhood and what made me the person I am today. I love my friends who grew up with me, and are growing up with me.

2) I love where I am currently. I love being married to my best friend, I love living in community with my brother and his family, I love working at Starbucks and going to school to become a teacher, I love getting to know God more fully and in deeper ways, and I love that Elliott and I are in a place where we can honestly say, “Here we are Lord. Send us.”

3) I love that God gave me an incredible gift of singing. I love floating in the air with the tone of my voice and finding out all the different ways I can use it to make all sorts of pretty and interesting sounds.

4) I love that God has given me the gift of empathy and love for other people, especially those who are downtrodden and outsiders. I like living in that openness and love for others. It’s truly a gift from the Lord.

5) I love that I enjoy being healthy. I like exercising, I like healthy foods, and I like learning about what I can do to become healthier. I like encouraging others to be healthy as well.

6) I love that I have the ability to run. I was never athletic in high school or college, so this new-found challenge of running, though at times difficult, as been exploratory and exciting. More than anything, though, I’m just thankful I have that ability and I love that about myself.

7) I love that I have the ability to act and have gotten to play all sorts of different people in the past. I love especially that I got the chance to be Maid Marion at the Renaissance Faire and got the chance to pursue acting professionally through Villanova’s scholarship. I also love, though, that God had me wake up and realize acting doesn’t have a true place in my life right now. It wasn’t healthy for me, and I’m glad God got me out of it.

8) I love that I enjoy reading and grew up reading books. I love that I like to think and dissect different books with literary theories and such. I love that I got to major in English. I still can’t believe I received a degree for reading books and discussing them.

9) I love that I married Elliott. I love our relationship and that we get to work on that relationship forever. I love our adventures. My life is so much richer.

10) I love that I know I like being around people for my job but also that I know I am an introvert and need time to myself. It’s good to know where the balance is and be aware of it.

So I will tag: Nora and Kate.

My Very Own Rainbow

2009-12-07T18:56:00.001-05:00

In the face of uncertainty, God has a way of working things out so that the circumstances point directly to him. This reality and experience has been my comfort and peace. I can do nothing but submit and obey--gladly, willingly, and with some sacrifice.

When confronted with an uncertain situation, my human inclination tells me to worry and start planning for the worst, or work really hard to make things better again. Jesus tells me, "Just wait and watch what I'm going to do!"

Once upon a time I had this dream, this prayer, this ernest desire and wish to be married in God's creation. My then-fiance and I wanted desperately to be married in the church of the great outdoors--in the woods among his creatures and creations. We planned for a June wedding, and I spent the next year asking nearly everyone I came into contact with to pray for a nice day.

The spring turned against me with all her raging stormy glory. For months, we watched as sunless day after sunless day passed by. I checked the weather every day to see what the weeks ahead would bring, and all I saw was rain, rain, rain. Finally, I let go. I stopped checking the weather and just said: so be it. It's in God's control. We will get the wedding day he wants us to have, and it will be wonderful, and my family and my friends will be there to witness it. It will be glorious because the Holy Spirit will make it glorious.

We got the one sunny, beautiful, non-humid day that month.

That entire month.

The next morning as we left for our honeymoon, the skies opened up again. Rain.

God's glory at work.

I don't know why he chose to give us a beautiful day. He could have chosen not to give us such a day, and it still would have been wonderful. But when I consider this day, and how God works in such a way that shows his glory, I am humbled. For the rest of my life, I will be able to say that God gave us that day specifically. It was an honest miracle. There is no way that day should have been beautiful.

And, more than anything, he gave me that day as a reminder. That day is my Noah's rainbow in my life. It's my personal reminder from God that he is in control and I have nothing to fear.

I like watching his hands at work in life. I like seeing the impossible become reality. Trusting can be difficult, but it's so much better than worrying, don't you think?

And the impossibility-made-reality becomes his glory.

An Overflow

2009-12-04T04:07:00.000-05:00

Romans 2:7-8

"He will give eternal life to those who keep on doing good, seeking after the glory and honor and immortality that God offers. But he will pour out his anger and wrath on those who live for themselves, who refuse to obey the truth and instead live lives of wickedness."

When I was younger, I had these distant thoughts in the back of my head.

I want to help people. What am I doing with my life? I should be doing something, right? There are people who need help. I am able, I could help them. I want to do something.

I didn't. I didn't have time, I didn't know the right people, I didn't know how to fit it into my life.

At the time, I wasn't looking at things with an eternal view. I never understood how really, so I just focused on earth. I needed to get my career going. God would use me as soon as my acting career was off the ground. I never understood, personally, why I was in acting, but God gave me gifts and I had to use them... the reasons why, well...they would probably follow eventually.

I had no fruit because I was earthly minded.

Now. A transformation. A God-thing, not a me-thing. Today, acting is secondary. A career is secondary. I'm not throwing all caution to the wind (I am still preparing for a modest career), but the more I am in community with the Lord, the more works just pour out of me... because I want to. I just want to show the love of Christ to people in any way possible, so I look for opportunities and I act on them (when given the grace of the Lord).

Again, it's not me. It's God.

I am thankful for this newness of being, and clarity of scripture. I certainly hope this trend will continue on into all aspects of my life (ahem... um, see previous post...).

The Issue We Don't Discuss

2009-12-03T22:16:00.000-05:00

Truth be told, my biggest stronghold and chain is vanity.

It's a burden I've carried with me since I was young (and it's probably a burden we all carry around with us, to some degree or another). I remember being as young at six and staring at my thighs. I would try to lift them up so that they wouldn't press against my seat and look fatter.

I'm not fat. I'm not. I've never been fat. I've never been super thin (except in my carrots-and-gum-only phase), but I've never been fat. But I've always felt fat...probably because I've just been focused on "self."

The truth is, I have a lot to be thankful for: my legs not only work, but they are strong. I run. I can run far. It's a skill I've been developing, a skill that I've only recently found and developed, but it's sort of...a wake up call. I am able to run, to exercise, to push myself when I run, to walk fast, to walk up and down stairs, to do everything free of pain. Not everyone has that gift. I should be thankful and just work on being healthy.

But I look in the mirror and I judge myself. My thighs. I don't fit into the skinny jeans that I want to fit into. I don't fit into the style I want to fit into. I can't wear what I want to wear. I feel encumbered by my body, trapped, frumpish, slobbish. I feel ashamed.

Yes, that's it. It's shame.

Shame that I can't push myself to eat less, to exercise more...shame that I was never the skinny girl, and that no matter how little I eat, I will never be that girl...shame that I can't, I just can't... shame...

Shame that I'm not focusing my thoughts where they should be.

Oh, right. Hey, God.

Umm...what are you doing here? Sorry, I didn't think you'd want to enter into this self-destructive ten-year conversation I've been having with myself.

The thing is, I want out. I want out so desperately. Out of this path, this lie, this obsession with self and vanity and non-Godness. I don't want it any more, but where do I turn? I've been praying about it for so long, but the temptation is waiting for me every time I put on my jeans because they aren't the jeans I want to wear. So how do I break free? When will God break me free?

...or is it the discipline I put into it? What should I avoid? My main focus has just been fueling this temple... cutting out the processed, sugary foods and focusing on whole foods and ample exercise and then... live. Just live and breathe and love and care. But the trap is still there, still waiting for me.

I just wish there were more of an outlet for Christian women struggling with this disease, this temptation, this bulging bag of crap and lies. There isn't. I haven't found one, anyways. Where do we go, women? How can we help each other to live practical, meaningful, healthy lives where our main focus is God and how he can use us?

Where do I go?

The Daily Life

2009-11-29T11:15:00.001-05:00

I want to live in the reality of Christ every day.

I want everyone to understand, grasp, and welcome His reality.

So much of my life, I live. I just live. I do the daily thing: the chores, the work, the bills, the worrying. So often, a part of me forgets.

I don't want to forget.

I want to live moment-to-moment

in His grace,

in His presence,

in His truth,

in His reality.

I want to be more affected.

I want to be more effective.

It Suddenly Dawned On Me: A girl, God, and reality

2009-11-25T20:24:00.000-05:00

It just dawned on me the other day.

This is real. This is really going to happen.

Our church was celebrating the Feast of Tabernacles, and there we were: just a couple of girls in a 20-minute Bible study. The sort of Bible studies that you usually take for granted, the ones that you never remember. You answer a couple of questions about Jesus and faith, and then you move on to ice cream and some games. But something happened this time. Something different.

You could call it the Holy Spirit.

Actually. Yeah. It was the Holy Spirit.

I have been a Christian my entire life. I have had serious, real encounters with the Spirit. But this time, God revealed himself to me in a way I never before experienced.

This is really going to happen.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18 (New International Version)

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

For the very first time in my life, I had an inkling, a slight glimmer, of what that above promise meant. I had a glimpse of eternal...everything. I suddenly realized that everything I had learned about God... everything I read about in the Bible and sung about... everything, all of it--it was all true. It was going to be true. This eternity stuff was real. This God stuff was more than in my head or in our heads. This is it.

Wow. And what?

Think about how this epiphany changes things. This confrontation with truth is radical. It changes literally everything. I see life through a complete new set of lenses.

But how will it truly change me? How will I live differently? How can I devote every single moment to the Lord?

Listen. This could just be another boring blog, and I don't know why you're compelled to be here in the first place. But to be honest, I have been a Christian since forever, but I never lived it. I'm just a self-obsessed, vain, former actress-turned-aspiring-teacher who, after 25 years of living, wants to actually live.

I am ready for a full life.